Every atom in our body was forged in the heart of the Sun, and that this shows how we are connected to the whole of the universe, that everything is connected and has meaning.
The range of materials found in human life is less than 5% of the range of materials in the cosmos. We are not linked to the whole of creation, we are barely linked to a fraction of it.
Nothing has meaning, everything is unconnected. The universe is random and cruel.
I miss you.
Sometimes I feel like you completely forget about me when I’m not desperately trying to hold your attention.
This isn’t fair, I should be over you by now…
You are as your name suggest, beautiful and rare, and to be treasured.
You are a lioness, powerful and beautiful.
You are the soft green of brilliant sunlight shining through a leaf, lending peace and beauty to everything nearby.
You are a storm, ferocious and awesome, beautiful and fearful.
You are the warmth of a fire, comforting and gentle.
You are the softness of a kiss, and the lingering sensations they leave on my skin.
You are a haunting melody, you linger in my thoughts even after you are gone.
You are like a cut in my skin, intense and distracting, leaving your mark on me forever.
You are a British summer’s day, tempestuous and changeable, and never what you’re expecting.
You are an onion, bitter-sweet and layered. (And you make me cry)
You are a roller-coaster thought a dark tunnel, intense and exciting and giving no clues as to what’s coming next.
You are Metallica, or at least their music; awesome, passionate, cool and sexy.
You are the rush I feel when I go on an adventure, the joy of the new.
You are wonderful.
You.
But my blood is so beautiful…
I hate myself. Deeply and truly. I resent everything I am. And as a result, I resent everyone else as well. I resent happy people, because they don’t deserve their happiness. And I resent unhappy people, because their reasons to be unhappy are more often than not, utter bullshit, they wouldn’t last a day in my shoes.
I especially hate people with learning difficulties, who use them as an excuse when they do something wrong. Fuck You. I’m an agoraphobic, obsessive compulsive, skitzophrenic , manic depressive, higher functioning autistic, sociopath.
You think you’ve got it hard? Try finding it absolutely terrifying so leave the house, but force yourself to go to college every day. Try having social anxieties so bad if you so much as raise your hand to answer a question is school, you fucking burst out in tears from utter terror. Try maintaining a valid relationship with friends, girlfriends and boyfriends when there is a voice in your head constantly reminding you how easy it would be to hit them, hurt them, kill them.
Now try doing all that when everyone you know, and have ever met remind you all day everyday that you’re scum, filth, the incarnation of everything that is wrong with the world. Your friends, your parents, people at school, work, college and even people you’ve never even seen before, coming up to you in the street and telling you you’re a fucking abomination.
I’m a ‘higher functioning’ agoraphobic, obsessive compulsive, skitzophrenic, manic depressive, autistic sociopath, because I forced myself to be ‘higher functioning’. I forced myself to endure everything and learn from everything. And it was utter fucking hell.
Yes I can get by, day-by-day now. But it still hurts. It still hurts that I’m still fucked up, it still hurts that I have manic urges to punch the fuck out of my best friends, it still hurts that every night I want to cut the fuck out of my arms until everything goes away, it still hurts that every time I wake up in the morning I wish I hadn’t, it still hurts every time I open the front door to go to college, or to hand in CVs, or to see friends and it takes me ages to force myself outside to face the world.
It still fucking hurts every day. But I never, ever, complain. Never have I made excuses for my actions, when, judging by the actions of others, I am ridiculously entitled to.
I’ve still not recovered from my parents divorce. You have no idea how much it hurts having to watch your words around your own mother and father, because if you mention that one of them is ‘too’ happy, you’ll be treated to a nice long rant about how ‘they’ are fucking scum. They forget that you are half ‘them’. And it hurts. Oh my Gods, it hurts.
But it get’s worse. I don’t even have a relationship with my mother anymore, other than an awkward hour on Christmas and my Birthday. We don’t want to know each other anymore.
The things that caused this are not ever going to be made public. But they eat away at me every night. My own mother has tried to kill me. Just try to imagine what could happen to make a mother try to strangle her own child, or to put a pillow over his face when he slept. Those are just two of the ways she tried.
But I over came all of this. I fight on every day, going to college when the world outside my bedroom scares the fuck out of me. Making friends when people scare the shit out of me. Falling in love and having meaningful relationships when abandonment and heartbreak fucking destroyed me.
I make no excuses, what the fuck is yours?
And don’t forget, I hate myself, with every fibre of my being. If I wasn’t a coward I’d be dead by now. You don’t see me crying about it. And I’ve barely even covered a fraction of the shit I’ve been through.
Stop being a fucking twat. Nut up and get on with shit.
The Sound of Rum - Balance
Why do you hate me?
With a bulldozer.
What happened to all those things that used to motivate me?
I need to find those things again. I don’t want to be empty anymore.
And pull the fucking sky down.
